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The new town quickly becomes a haven for the vertically challenged. Lots
of disturbingly short people flock to this new Eden, embracing a proud lifestyle
of singing, dancing, and looking through keyholes.
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Several residents of Munchkinland overhear town baker Elly Elly Oxenfree
boast that her apple pie "melts like magic in your
mouth." When the dessert in question is sampled, the townsfolks conclude
that its sweet, delicious filling and luscious, flaky crust must surely
be the product of witchcraft. Oxenfree is banished
from Munchkinland in the midst of the most pleasant spring weather ever
enjoyed by the region. The town assumes the Wicked
Witch (as they are now calling her) will perish from exposure to the
merciless 72-degree temperatures.
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Eleven opium-smoking witnesses report that a flock of winged monkeys appeared
in the sky over the town, swooped down, and carried off all seven of Elly
Elly's accusers. Soon the nearby stream is overflowing with valentine-shaped
boxes of candy, pinatas, and adorable stuffed animals. The townsfolk cower
in terror, but the mayor of Munchkinland takes immediate action, condemning
the attack as "pretty heavy, man" and "totally far out" before heading off
for a well-deserved nap. For the first time in recorded history, deaths
are attributed to the Wicked Witch. Residents worry that the next victims
could include "our little dogs, too."
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Eight-year-old Wanda Weasle is reported missing. A search party is sent
to look for the child. Weasle returns on her own ("I just took a walk! Geez,
you people are edgy!" she reportedly exclaimed), but the search party does
not come back. Their remains are found several weeks later. All the Munchkins
were brutally slaughtered and a strange symbol
carved into each tiny forehead.
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"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" is published by L. Frank Baum. This book, commonly
considered fiction, contains the first mention of the Wicked Witch in Oz
literature.
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Seven Munchkin children are abducted from the town. Fortunately no one cares,
as they were all spoiled little bastards anyway.
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An old hermit calling himself "The Wizard of Oz" sails into town via hot-air
balloon. The mysterious visitor wanders into the market square and tells
everyone he's "finally finished with show business." After police hike four
hours to his glowing green palace, the horrible truth is discovered: the
man is no Wizard at all-- merely a con artist! The police return to Munchkinland
and proceed to beat the feeble man nearly to the point of death. When asked
by police why he didn't return to the Emerald City
when he had the chance, the man merely pointed to his hot-air balloon and
blubbered, "I can't go back! I don't know how it works!" He is quickly executed
for the heinous crime of overacting.
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Kansas native Dorothy Gale arrives in Munchkinland
via the 2:25pm tornado. Unfortunately, she discovers that her only way home,
the Wizard of Oz, has been dead for over fifty years. Making the best of
her situation, Dorothy decides to enter the nearby woods to make a documentary
about the Wicked Witch, an urban legend she finds "quite intriguing." She
is joined by her friends the Scarecrow,
the Tin Man, the Cowardly
Lion, and her canine buddy, Toto.
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The filmmakers do not return. Search parties scour the woods, but no sign
of the group is found. The residents of Munchkinland smack themselves in
the forehead for forgetting to tell Dorothy that she could defeat the witch
with a bucket of water. "I smell a lawsuit,"
warns the nervous Munchkin District Attorney.
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The case is declared "unsolved." The Wicked Witch's picture is shown on
"Oz's Most Wanted," but no leads appear.
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Dorothy's film footage is discovered on the shelf of the local video store.
The sheriff, remarking on the find, says, "Huh. That's odd. Guess I'll have
to get a membership there."
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Dorothy's next of kin, Auntie Em, contacts filmmakers Joe
Barlow and Kevin Darbro,
asking them to reconstruct the last days of her beloved niece's life. They
have done their best, though all footage involving Dorothy's Jamaican CGI
alien sidekick has been edited out. The film will be available October 31,
1999 for your viewing pleasure.
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