Toto's Journal:
Note: These pages were found scattered in the woods one year after the
disappearance of filmmaker Dorothy Gale and her party. The journal was
originally written in Dogese, a tongue not often seen in this region of
Oz. Our resident scholar has meticulously translated the following entries
into the more common Munchkin tongue.
October 20, 1994:
- 10am. My life is a hollow lie. The dusty plains
of Kansas have nothing to offer me anymore, with the drab gray landscape
stretching out before me like a thousand squandered opportunities, without
even a fire hydrant to break the monotony. If I didn't enjoy licking myself
in strange places, I'd probably go stir crazy. Thank God I have a hobby.
- 11:30am. That Dorothy kid won't leave me alone. She threw a stick out
in the yard, then tried to get me to bring it back to her. Why? All she's
gonna do is throw it right back out there. I played dumb, and received
a tummy rub instead. Ah, living the good life!
- 2:30pm. Still dizzy from the move. There was a terrible noise a little
while ago-- a whole lot of wind and howling and stuff, like when Uncle
comes home and can't walk straight. Then when I came out of the house,
someone had moved all the backyard away, and planted all these fantastic
trees! What a relief, after months of looking for just one sapling to
water. I missed the clothesline pole, though. I'd really personalized
that. I wonder if they have leash laws here...
- 4:40pm. A busy afternoon! Dorothy made three new friends and invited
them to be what she called a "film crew." As far as I can tell, a "film
crew" is a group of weird people who walk around shouting instructions
to each other and looking very closely at black boxes. Strange smells
from these new humans. One smells of Uncle's lawnmower just after he's
"serviced" it, another like that stale haystack I found the rats in last
year, and the hairy one has a miasma of the pussy cat about him, but he's
BIG. If he sharpens his claws on Dorothy's leg she'll know all about it.
Nice tail, though. Looks tasty. Ooo, looks like we're about to enter the
woods. I can't wait! I'm really looking forward to the chance of once
again terrifying small woodland creatures for my own cruel pleasure. It's
been far too long.
- 7:05pm. We've been walking for hours. Supposedly Dorothy is leading
us towards the Emerald City, the general region in which most of the witch
sightings have occured. Yeah, sure she is. I think the entire party suspects
Dorothy couldn't find her ass with both hands and a flashlight. I don't
know how *any* human finds their ass, now that I think about it. They
don't even have tails. I wonder what they chase when they spin around
in circles. Hmm...
-10:45pm. We're camped. A good howling moon tonight, too. Food supplies
are holding up well, but nonetheless, I remain concerned by the way this
Lion creature keeps looking at me. He has a most disconcerting way of
licking his chops, and I fear he may crave a Totoburger if we don't find
our way out of here soon.
October 21, 1994:
-7am. Left out once again! A number of strange gifts awaited Dorothy
outside the tent this morning, but as none of them involved Snausages,
I paid little heed. Once again, ol' Toto gets shafted. Would a little
rubber ball have been too much to ask? Sheesh.
-2pm. Dorothy has lost something called a "map." As far as I can tell,
this is a sheet of paper that tells you where you are. Haven't these guys
got any sense of smell? We're 510 yards South West of where we were before
the 15 mile hike started yesterday morning. Not that I'm complaining...
I rather enjoy an aimless walk, myself.
-4pm. The tensions among the party members are about to explode. Petty
bickering is commonplace. In an effort to distance myself from the combatants,
I marked my territory. When the Scarecrow unknowingly came into my realm,
I had no choice but to piddle on his foot. Suspect I am the only one capable
of handling the current situation in a mature, rational manner. Will now
chase my tail for an hour to help clear my head.
October 22, 1994:
-5:30am. Am now 430 yards NNW of last night's camp, judging by the smell.
We've been out here huddled in the woods for several hours, after we were
chased from our tent by a strange creature. By the terror this visitor
inspired among the party members, I can only assume it was some sort of
dogcatcher. After all, no one else is wearing a collar either. Am quite
hungry. Wish I'd learned to use a can opener.
-2pm. The shiny, inedible fellow has vanished mysteriously. No great
loss to me-- every time I tried to lick him, I got my tongue scraped.
The other folks seem to miss him, though. Will try to be extra adorable
today to take everyone's mind off their lost. Perhaps I'll score some
extra cuddling time as a result!
-9pm. Heard Dorothy apologizing to one of her black boxes just now. I'm
so upset at her mental collapse that I can't even eat my own feces.
-11:59pm. We just stumbled across an abandoned house out here in the
middle of nowhere. It's one of those ones with wheels on. I like
these, because if you relieve yourself against the wheel, you may
be able to extend your territory to Florida, Canada, even Scranton N.J.,
without having to go there. We're about to take a look inside... maybe I'll find
a squeaky toy! I hope so, because I've tried so very hard to be a good
little dog. Wish me luck!
This is the last entry in Toto's journal.
